The Love I Want
Life is like this. If I’m destined to give my heart, destined to love once with all my might, I just hope that the person who makes me throw caution to the wind is you. If you didn’t show up, perhaps someone else would. It’s just that, coincidentally, you appeared when I was ready to love. That’s what I believe fate to be…
Xia Siyu kept asking herself again and again: “Don’t I love him enough? Isn’t everything I’ve done for him love? Why does he still say I don’t understand what love is? He says what I give him isn’t love, just a burden.”
Xia Siyu tortured herself again and again—refusing to eat, refusing to sleep, even refusing to take medicine when she was sick. She hurt herself, stumbling and getting bruised while walking, just to make the man she loved—Lu Tian—worried. Only then could she feel her existence in his life.
Lu Tian was a career-driven man. He loved Xia Siyu, but the love he could offer wasn’t the kind of love Xia Siyu wanted. Xia Siyu admitted she was a little woman who liked to cling to Lu Tian 24 hours a day, no matter whether he was in a meeting, socializing, or busy with work. As long as a few of her calls went unanswered, Xia Siyu would call again and scold him when he finally picked up, asking him things like:
“Am I not as important as your job? Not even as important as the clients you’re entertaining?”
“Lu Tian, do you not love me anymore?”
Lu Tian, with endless patience, explained over and over again:
“Siyu, I do love you, but I still have to work.”
Whenever she became anxious, Xia Siyu would cry, like a little girl who had been wronged. Every time she cried, Lu Tian would blame himself. He felt that he hadn’t done enough to make the woman he loved happy. He thought it was his fault, but he truly didn’t know how to love her in a way that would make her happy.
Was Xia Siyu really that unreasonable? No. Lu Tian and she worked in different cities. They had met on one of her business trips, and it was love at first sight. Their love developed quickly but also bewilderingly—a fast-food romance without much understanding of each other, and it did indeed lead to many problems. But Xia Siyu believed that as long as they truly loved each other, Lu Tian would be the man to walk with her until the end, the man she would spend her life with.
The greatest miracle of love isn’t how long you wait for someone to love you but turning the corner and meeting them—when you fall in love, they just happen to fall in love with you too. Xia Siyu believed Lu Tian was the best gift heaven had given her. She cherished him deeply, afraid he might leave her. Despite Lu Tian telling her daily:
“Silly girl, stop overthinking. I love you, and that’s a forever promise that will never change.”
Lu Tian was an excellent man, young, successful, and refined, the kind of prince charming many girls dreamed of. So Xia Siyu often asked herself why someone like Lu Tian loved her. It wasn’t that Xia Siyu wasn’t good enough—she was a refreshing girl, and many others pursued her. But she fell head over heels in love with this elegant man.
She feared someone might take him away from her. In a world where impossibilities often become possibilities, and possibilities often vanish, their long-distance relationship made Xia Siyu anxious daily. She cared too much about him.
So, whenever she had free time, all she could think about was Lu Tian. What was he doing? Did he miss her? Were there any beautiful women around him? Did he still love her? Xia Siyu would start calling him, no matter what Lu Tian was doing. Whether she was being playful, crying, or throwing a tantrum, she always demanded that Lu Tian put down his work and spend time with her. Lu Tian, as much as possible, satisfied her, chatting with her, sharing stories, telling her jokes, and hearing her laughter. Lu Tian always felt fulfilled when he heard her giggle. He loved this little woman, Xia Siyu, even if she was a foolish one, worrying he didn’t love her.
Days passed like this. Over a year went by, and their long-distance relationship continued, though it had become less easy. Xia Siyu began crying more easily, and Lu Tian got angry more easily. Everything had changed. It wasn’t like the beginning of their relationship, where no matter how much she clung to him, Lu Tian would always accompany her. Even when he couldn’t indulge her whims at the moment, he would apologize later, saying sorry because he knew how much Xia Siyu loved him.
Xia Siyu still held on to her stubbornness, believing that as long as Lu Tian loved her enough, he would continue to cherish her the way he used to. But there’s a saying: motion is absolute, and stillness is relative. Change is also absolute, so how could love remain unchanged? In the end, the only thing that hadn’t changed was her.
Lu Tian started ignoring Xia Siyu’s calls, even if she called dozens or even a hundred times. When he did answer, he would only reply indifferently, “I was really busy earlier and couldn’t answer.”
Until one day, when Xia Siyu hurt herself again and sent a message to Lu Tian, telling him she was injured, even threatening that if he didn’t respond, she wouldn’t take her stomach medicine and would suffer in pain. Lu Tian knew Xia Siyu had stomach problems and often felt unwell, so he always teased her to keep her happy.
One day, after almost a full day of calling, Lu Tian finally picked up.
“You don’t love me anymore, do you, Lu Tian?” Xia Siyu asked.
“Xia Siyu, love isn’t something you can just say. I can’t bear your kind of love anymore.”
“Xia Siyu, leave me. I’m not the right man for you. You’ll find someone more suited to what you want.”
“Why? Didn’t you say you loved me?”
“I don’t love you anymore. I can’t love you anymore. I wish you well. You’ll have a better life.”
“So, what am I to you? How can you say you’ve been a responsible man after everything I’ve done for you? How can you treat me like this?”
“Xia Siyu, blame me. I’m sorry, but I really don’t want to love you anymore. Leave me!”
No matter how much Xia Siyu begged, the response on the other end was silence, and then the phone was turned off. Xia Siyu knew she had truly lost Lu Tian this time. She didn’t know what she had done wrong. She only wanted to use all her strength to love this man who belonged to her. Why did it end this way?
The next day, Lu Tian sent a message:
Every time I miss a call from you, you get upset. Every time I can’t be with you because of work, you get upset. To you, it means you’re unimportant, and I don’t love you. And for that, you blame me. I’m really tired. I don’t know how to meet your expectations of love. Whenever you have time, you don’t care if it’s convenient for me, you want me to be with you. I always carry my phone, afraid I’ll miss your call and face your anger. I know you’re willful and playful, and I’ve tried to meet your needs, to be with you more, afraid you’ll feel wronged. But no matter what I do, I can’t make you happy. Every day, I suffer from not being able to make you happy. Will you be better off if you leave me? I think you don’t understand love. Please take care of yourself.
Xia Siyu cried, cried until her voice was hoarse, frantically dialing Lu Tian’s number, but all she got was the message that his phone was off. Xia Siyu knew she had lost this love. She wanted so much to tell Lu Tian, “I’m sorry. I know I was wrong.” But there was no longer a chance. It was as if fate had reclaimed the happiness that once belonged to her. “Lu Tian, I wish you well. I believe your next girlfriend will be much better than I ever was. I’ll be watching over you from the sky.”
One day, in the hospital, the man named Lu Tian appeared. Xia Siyu’s mother, unable to hold back, hit him hard. “It’s your fault. It’s because of you that Siyu got into the accident and became a vegetable.” Lu Tian cried as he looked at the unconscious Xia Siyu lying in the hospital bed, so quiet. But all he could think of was the image of her jumping around.
“Siyu, you silly girl. I really did love you. In those few days after I told you to leave, I regretted it so much. How could I say such things to you? Siyu, wake up. I will love you for a lifetime.”
But Xia Siyu no longer opened her eyes to see the man she loved most. Some stories have no turning back from the beginning. The ending is the one you chose, but perhaps when you made that choice, you didn’t realize it.
Lu Tian turned on Xia Siyu’s phone, and there was one final unsent message for him:
Life is like this. If I’m destined to give my heart, destined to love once with all my might, I just hope that the person who makes me throw caution to the wind is you. If you didn’t show up, perhaps someone else would. It’s just that, coincidentally, you appeared when I was ready to love. That’s what I believe fate to be. The time heaven gave us was so short, but I gave everything I had. Did you feel it? This is my love.
Thank you for reading! ” Sitestorys “
