Emotional of memories:I came to you like this,963.7 kilometers, 14 hours of distance.
Through the heavy mountains, through the howling tunnels, through the noisy sounds on the train, the mixed scents of food. My hair started to get greasy from the long confinement, a layer of sebum formed on my face, my ears echoed with tinnitus, my mouth filled with bitterness, the grease from the instant noodles caused spasms in my stomach, and the water was insufficient to soothe it.
If I came to you like this.
With dark circles from a sleepless night, with thousands of thoughts entangled in my heart, with the myriad landscapes along the way, with a little courage, with the memory of you and me.
Hi, it’s you again. I really hate that I always want to mention you, but I can’t resist writing you letter after letter.
I haven’t been doing badly; I’m no longer at the age where I write sad poems without reason, and I probably don’t have the constitution for deep-seated loneliness. I live each day playfully and try my best, except for occasionally regretting not working hard enough on my studies, the rest could be called without regret.
But this happiness sometimes makes me anxious. Born in worry, dying in comfort, a numb and unambitious life makes me question its meaning, then panic, and then I find a breakthrough in the cage I built for myself and jump out, gaining a huge but somewhat doubtful sense of satisfaction. At this time, I think of you.
Even more meaningless, but clearer.
I also thought about the meaning of missing someone, but it seems to be a conditioned reflex of body memory. Your face suddenly appearing makes me inexplicably sad but fascinated.
More often, I wonder, what do you mean to me? A long-lost classmate, a good friend, a soulmate I deeply believe in, or an ex-boyfriend?
But none of these definitions fit the current you.
“After seeing the vast sea, I find no other water is worth noticing, after seeing the clouds of Mount Wu, no other clouds can attract me.”
After five years, I finally understand this awkward line of poetry through experience.
I have long forgotten the future expectations we once made, but the scene of Christmas Eve in our freshman year comes to mind.
In the last class of modern chemistry, the teacher was outlining key points, the sound of the excited crowd had already filled the corridor, the teacher was still droning on about the whole book, the phone in my bag started vibrating restlessly, I hesitated for half a second and decided to answer, a big “Merry Christmas!” came through. Suddenly, the bustling noise and the teacher’s chatter faded away, leaving only your happiness and my heartbeat.
Something pierced my eardrum and struck my heart, I think that was probably you. Breaking through the barriers of skin and blood, coming directly to my heart. It had been beating alone for too long, carrying the coarseness of life and the meaning of loneliness. Until your appearance, it opened up a fairy tale world with my feelings for you and the expectations of a shared future, where there was only you and me.
The starting point of all this still exists in my heart, which has experienced beauty and returned to loneliness.
As for the disintegration, it may not be without meaning. The collapse of the fairy tale world was never instantaneous; it happened day by day, along with the 934.7 kilometers of distance.
I don’t want to explore the meaning of love, after all, it’s broad enough to make our feelings insignificant.
I just miss you.
I came to you like this.
Still with handsome brows and a shallow smile. No longer awkwardly giving a big hug, warm yet distant.
But this is no longer suitable for my heart, which has long returned to loneliness with the pain of scars.
Perhaps I should turn around and leave.
With dark circles from a sleepless night, with thousands of thoughts entangled in my heart, with the myriad landscapes along the way, with a little courage, with the memory of you and me.
Thank you for reading! ” Sitestorys “
