If You’re in Pain, Just Kiss Me
At 27, He Dong was one of the few who experienced his first love. At the time, he had just secured a Beijing residency and worked as a temporary staff member at a research institute, tirelessly transcribing data cards for eight hours a day, hoping to secure a permanent position.
In his monotonous life, any glimmer of hope felt precious. Then, a girl appeared, radiant like the sun. With her flowing black hair and gentle voice, she leaned gracefully against the door frame and asked him to answer a phone call in the office. Instantly smitten, He Dong began to gather details about her: she was the reading room administrator, raised in a cultured family, and exuded a noble demeanor. Captivated by her every move, even the way she casually tore paper, he found himself drawn to her.
From that day on, he frequented the reading room, pretending to read magazines while stealing glances at her. They occasionally engaged in conversations about literature and authors.
One evening, as they were the last two in the office, the girl turned to close a window. Watching her back, the words “I love you” suddenly burst from his heart. After he said it, he trembled, both physically and emotionally. She merely smiled, neither confirming nor denying his feelings, and they descended the stairs in silence.
He was ecstatic; she remained calm. As he battled feelings of inferiority—feeling uneducated, unattractive, and unqualified—he realized that if she accepted his love, he would feel like the richest man in the world. Desperate for a sign, he conveyed his longing through pained looks and unspoken words, but she remained indifferent, often deflecting his advances with casual remarks.
His frustration grew, leading him to express his feelings through heartfelt letters, pouring his emotions onto the pages late into the night. He slipped these letters into her office, only to find that his fervent passion barely affected her. After much pleading, she finally gave him a meager “10% affirmation,” stating, “If you’re in pain, just kiss me.” This shook him deeply, and he kissed her fiercely, overwhelmed with emotion.
Days later, she returned, leaving a letter on his desk. When he opened it, his heart sank. It simply stated, “I withdraw my 10% affirmation; feelings cannot be forced.” The moon of hope in his heart shattered.
In despair, he even threatened to take drastic actions, frightening her in the process. He knew deep down that she was not meant for him, and eventually, they parted ways.
That night, he sat alone by the lake, contemplating the end of his life. But as dawn broke, he found a semblance of calm.
He never wrote such passionate letters again, but the memory of his first love lingered. On a Valentine’s Day years later, he shared his experience on his blog, reflecting, “While we can pursue ideals and careers, love cannot be chased or demanded. True love comes naturally, without pursuit or seeking.”
He Dong, now a well-known host, is someone I admire for his authenticity. Though not conventionally handsome or comedic, he is genuine and unpretentious. Years later, he still cherishes the details of his first love, revealing his youthful sorrow and the enduring memory of that elegant girl, a symbol of his pure and noble feelings.
Thank you for reading! ” Sitestorys “
