Unrequited love stories: Perhaps it was just a hasty ending
I’ve always wondered why I’ve never been able to forget you all these years. It’s been seven years since I transferred schools. For five years, we had no contact, and I only occasionally heard news about you from your friends. That holiday before senior year was the first time we met in many years, and suddenly I felt like I couldn’t face you. I just remember you were half a step behind me, telling me repeatedly how much I’ve changed.
When we stopped, you suddenly tugged at the end of my hair and said that my hair hadn’t changed, that it was still the same as before. You laughed a bit after saying that, as if relieved. After I got home, memories I thought I had forgotten came back vividly.
The holiday ended, and the usual senior year life began. Back then, I thought my inability to face you was due to embarrassment over the crazy things I did as a child, so I felt shy and couldn’t face you. I mentioned you to my classmates, talking about our crazy elementary school days and our ridiculous puppy love that had neither a beginning nor an end. At least, that was how I felt at the time.
Later, I told everyone that I could face you normally, like a friend, like a classmate. The first reunion that year proved I could do it. I thought I could keep doing it if it weren’t for your seemingly unintentional but meticulous care for me. Emotions are like wine; they ferment and become purer the deeper they go without us realizing it.
At the last reunion, I found it completely impossible to face you. You were still the cheerful, lively person everyone loved, but you also weren’t the same as before. If the old you had been half as cheerful as you are now, would our ending have been different? I stubbornly thought so. Why could you joke and laugh with everyone but not with me? I felt the awkwardness in the air. I avoided every chance to be alone with you or even talk to you. I always thought it was my possessiveness that was too strong.
So the first time I heard from your friend that you had a girlfriend, I felt a moment of suffocation. I originally thought that as long as I turned around, you would always be there. So I felt sad when you laughed and joked with others but had nothing to say to me.
People can be so foolish. Knowing you have a girlfriend, knowing… You wouldn’t know that I stare at every post you make on social media for a long time. I know every word you write is for your girlfriend, and I tell myself it’s not about me as I read. I tell myself not to like or comment, thinking it would show that I don’t care about you. See, how much I try to cover it up.
Back then, my roommates and I would scornfully watch movies with young kids who were deeply in love, pointing at them and saying, “What do they know at that age?” To show my indifference, you were just like everyone else, lying in the same group of classmates. To avoid leaving a trace in your space, I could scroll through your posts over and over, even if my hands got sore. I just wanted to see if there was a single word about me.
Sometimes, I couldn’t resist, maybe to act more like a classmate, and I would like or comment on your posts. Seeing your replies, I could even imagine your shyness and sweetness. But you didn’t know the bitterness and sorrow on my end. Every time you posted something showing your love, it hurt me deeply. I couldn’t bring myself to offer blessings, not even fake ones. The best I could do was not to disturb you.
I truly liked you, just like everyone’s first love. You were like a thorn stuck in my throat that I couldn’t spit out or swallow. Forget about accepting new feelings. To truly see myself clearly, that should have been in the dream a few days ago.
Familiar places, familiar people, but just holding hands. When I realized I didn’t reject it and even enjoyed it a bit, I suddenly woke up. You know, I now reject any physical contact unless I initiate it. In my imagination, even if one day you suddenly came back and told me you still couldn’t forget me, still liked me, and with a pitiful expression asked if we could be together, I would pitifully tell you that we couldn’t go back, even if I liked you.
Once I woke up, I couldn’t fall back asleep. I spent the whole day daydreaming, wondering how the dream would end, and trying to understand my current feelings for you. I thought for two whole days and concluded that I needed a formal goodbye. Because I don’t think we will have a grand, heartwarming love story, and I can’t imagine us living together.
Suddenly, I remembered a few years ago when you tried to reach out to me several times, and I always found excuses to decline. Maybe you felt the same as I do now. Counting the time from when you first said you liked me to now, it’s been ten years. It took me ten years to understand my heart, but you’re no longer mine. It took me ten years to step out of the self-deceptive illusion, just like we were never really together. I can’t even imagine us being together, nor do I hope we can make up for the regrets of childhood. I just need a chance for us to sit down and talk, to say a proper goodbye and give the story an ending.
Thank you for reading! ” Sitestorys “
